Mentally Fantastic

I wonder can I denounce labels given to me growing up? I was always given these labels for how I act. You have anxiety issues, depression, ocd, you’re awkward..you have no social skills. I denounced the depression thing so long ago I forgot I had that “issue” at one point. Not saying these disorders/diagnoses don’t mean anything. They do. People have these issues and it really effects their life. I just hate how I feel like I’m stuck with them. I can improve but that’s always going to be hanging over my head. So I’m just going to denounce it. I will deal with anything that comes my way but a lot of those disorders were a product of my home environment and things that happened to me (which is the reasoning for many others suffering as well). Depression hasn’t been an issue in years due to using alternative methods to deal with it. I honestly just changed the way I thought about things. Of course I get down sometimes but it’s nothing out of the norm. Stuff happens and you feel down. I bounce back. Before, I wouldn’t because I was not capable of doing so at the time. I went and worked on some things with myself and that has greatly change how I deal with so many things in my life. I will admit, I get anxious from time to time but I feel it’s realistic stuff. Like a bunch of things due or feel a little anxious when I think a little too much while under the influence. I don’t think it is out of the norm like it use to be when I was a kid. OCD I have always felt okay with that label but I am doing so much better than when I was as a kid. I think ever since I had stop living with my mom, it has gotten way better. There are still things that bothered me that caused the ocd behavior, like death, but I don’t feel connected to the label anymore. I will admit I’m a tad bit awkward but my social skills are much better. I try hard and I think it works well. Getting rid of that bad attitude of mine and meanness has helped me greatly. I won’t disregard that I was a kid who started from the bottom socially but I can’t let that hinder me. 

I have a love/hate relationship with mental health. I got into this field thinking it was more love than hate but I think it is really hate. Mental health tells you all the things wrong with you and gives you no way out. They just say, hey this is your life. Is it? Have we really learned all there is to know about mental health and our minds? No, we haven’t. I wish we focused on learning about our minds but I think society is scared of that. To know we owe everything about ourselves to this organ in our head is probably a scary thought. It’s very “on the outside looking in” when you think about it. I have always been interested in neuroscience and how powerful the brain is. I always operated under the idea so once I stopped trying to follow the various professionals and my family way, I started to improve. I am not knocking the use of mental health professionals or the field at all. I’m just saying use more than one method because it easy to get stuck. Also, it’s hard battling your mind. Really hard. Whether you have mental health issues or not, I think anyone can agree to that. Once anything negative gets in there it’s a hard battle because it really is just you and your thoughts when you remove everything else.

So I’m going to denounce these labels from my life. Moving on forward. I feel confident and saying I’m finally okay. I know that doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel sad or nervous again in my life. Doesn’t mean some things won’t bother me still (I think everyone has a little ocd characteristics apart of them). What’s great about this is that I know that whatever I feel is at the typical level, when compared with the greater population. I’m not including these labels in my personal about me section in life because it has no place in my life now. 

disclaimer: Please do not try this if you have mental health issues, without serious thought. I have spent years working on these problems, not on medication nor in need of a therapist anymore. It was not always like this. I had to improve to this point. If you are not at this point then that is OKAY but I wouldn’t make any drastic changes in your current treatment. I am at the point of no longer being in need of treatment from professionals or medication so I use alternative methods solely to maintain my healthy mental state. Consult with a professional before making changes to your own mental health care plan. NEVER stop medication without consulting a professional first. Lastly, relational happiness can make anyone feel terrible. Don’t read this and feel discourage on your journey to healthy mental health by basing your progress with mine. Everyone runs their own races. 

Raw

I have been so happy. I’m feeling super good. Ever since I made declaration to rediscovered  the hidden me my spirits have been uplifted. I feel like I am even more anxious. Now that I have recentered my goals and refocused. I tend to think about failure a lot. I have also been thinking about death more frequently lately as well. Something I have always been afraid of. With being open with my goals and interests, I’m also being open with the negative. What scares me. What needs to be worked on as far as habits goes. It’s a trying time for me. Not like I’m sad but it does take strength to get through so many emotions head on. I feel very strong though. Very. 

Short Rambles

Sometimes, I get stuck thinking about the mistakes that I have made in dating so far. I know I’m young but when I think about it too much, I get apprehensive about making them again or become weary of my current decisions. I think as people age, we have a stronger desire to not fuck up. I ant something deep one day and I realize the time it takes to build that but it scares me because of all the time it takes to create that just adds more time that you can potentially fuck up. It’s worth it though.I’m sure of it. That’s at least what I keep telling myself.

Evolve

Alright, so I have been talking of career changes and such so I’m ready to discuss it further. I will not be a school psychologist forever. Specifically, I give myself four years after I graduate in 2016 (until I’m 30). I debated over whether I will really explain why but I decided against going into details. It is a wonderful field. I will always advocate for more school psychs and keep up with the current “goings” of the field. I could even see myself working part time as one (in another setting outside of a school) in the future. Growing up, I have always been a woman of STEM. For numerous reasons along the way, I let my goals and ambitions for working in the field of STEM fall to the side. I killed my ambition. I molded it down to fit into another image that I NEVER had of myself. I made myself so small when I thought of myself as a giant before. Not acceptable. NEVER do this. Believe in yourself as hard as you can or you will find yourself with many regrets and wasted time later on. Be careful what you choose for your life. This goes for relationships, career…honestly every component in your life. I thought school psychology would be a wonderful field as an alternative to my old dreams because I wanted to help children with the same mental problems I had growing up. I figure the personal connection to the field would be enough to change it from alternative to only. I have been spending a whole year trying to find passion, love and interest in this field outside of just loving children with problems but I can’t. I feel underwhelmed. As long as you are breathing, never continue to be in situations that cause the feeling of constant dissatisfaction or boredom. Fill your life with passion. I was nervous about discussing this with anyone outside of a close friend of mine. Worried about reactions to what I had to say. I worried about the idea of “What if I fail after making this declaration of my goals and dreams?”. Then I realized that I rather go down with fire and passion then gasping my last breath with discomfort from living a life of not going after my desires. Think about that? Are you doing something that you would be at peace with one your dying bed? Would you be able to pass away thinking “Wow, I lived my life doing what I wanted?”. If you are saying yes, then you are on the money. If not, evaluate. You may wonder why you do not have your life figured out right now. I totally understand this. I’m 24 years old and if you would have told me just a year ago that my life would be where it is now, then I would have had a wonderful laugh. 2 years ago and I may have laughed myself into tears.The beauty of getting up everyday is that you have the opportunity to try different things until you figure out the components you need in your own life and what you don’t need. Live your life as an experiment. Embrace trials and failures. Don’t worry about that pressing “timeline” of life either. I thought I would be spending my years after graduate school getting a doctorate or additional masters in another mundane (for me) but appropriate related field and instead, I’m going to be working full time while studying towards a degree in Electrical Engineering. You think you can hide your passion? Ignore what gets you going? I spent 4 years trying to erase my love of STEM and here I am. Organic passion never stops burning. TL;DR Be fearless. Be passionate. Be courageous. GO BIG. Be Driven.

OKay, Lets do a re-do.

So when I made my first post of my return, I wasn’t in the best spirits. That’s okay right? I was going to delete it because it was so much negativity but I am going to keep it as a reminder that I can’t be peppy all the time. I think I’m too crucial on myself to ALWAYS be happy due to struggling with depression growing up. I don’t allow myself that bad moments to just be in a bad mood. I’m going to be making a series of post that will be queue to expect to see my presence more. =) Now let’s do a REAL update. 1. I’m natural now. I wish I was one of those hair cray natural girls  but I am not. I was about time I did this for many reasons. Of course, if you have been following, I chopped my hair off due to it being damaged from when I got sick some time ago. I always said I would stop relaxers eventually because it saves money, I don’t have the time to spend to do it and I would never do anything like that once I start having children (you know chemicals in hair and pregnancy is a no no). Well I am not expecting but I do like to save money and time. So here I am. Just being me. I don’t think it is anything wrong with relaxers, well I can’t speak on a “real” relaxer since I never had a regular strength one so I won’t say those are good for your hair because I don’t have experience. I can say that texturizers and mild relaxers were great for my hair and the only thing that changed my hair was PRESCRIBED DRUGS and MEDICAL TEST that were suppose to help me. A post with pictures and more comments on natural hair shall come soon. 2. Career change…maybe. Well, it has come to my attention that I am bored. BORED. BOOORREEED. School psychology is a wonderful field. I like it but I don’t love it like I thought I did for many reasons. It’s frustrating being in the field as a minority. I now see what others who have dropped out the program or who are not practicing as a professional are talking about. Also, I think I’m too outspoken to be a school psychologist. I think school psychologist are outspoken in general but I very passionate to the point of me seeing myself really losing it one day with someone. Nothing physical or anything but I could see an argument or two coming my way. When you work in the public education system, they want you to be a passive, passionate professional. I really thought that was me but it isn’t. I’m seeing that more and more as I get frustrated with a few school systems around here. Don’t worry though! I am NOT dropping out of the program. I shall graduate and work as a school psychologist. I just won’t stay one forever or work full time forever as one. More on this will come with later post 3. I now have not one but two dogs. THAT has been a lovely adventure. I am now an official Alpha leader of a pack and it is exhausting only when you can’t go to the bathroom without getting checked on (My sister said prepare for motherhood because that’s motherhood). I like the sense of responsibility, the companionship and the laughs because border collie mixes are just as quirky as a full blooded BC. 4. One of my biggest announcements. I WILL BE GOING TO SEE OUTKAST, VIP, ON SEPTEMBER 27TH. My music interests span, deep across all genres but as a Ga native, Outkast is going to be a favorite. I just have a special place in my heart for southern rap duos and ‘Kast was a heavy part of my upbringing. I got a hotel for Friday and Saturday. I’m going LIVE for this performance. No regrets. This is self love. 5. Another school related announcements. It times for Comps preparation. They will be this October or November. The time hasn’t been announcement yet but I have all the study materials. I plan to pass without having to defend but will pass if I have to defend an answer anyway. Masters will be acquired by the end of December. Then practicum placements, research topic approval and internship interviews. 6. Love life interesting…changing….evolving. Can’t comment and no post on this matter will be posted anytime soon.

Kind of here but not really

So I have slowly been making my way to social media again but I can’t say I’m running towards it. I started making appearances on FB and such. I scroll on Tumblr. Started liking a few post. Started scrolling on instagram and what not.

Updates in my life so far: School is school. Challenging but not challenging at the same time. All A’s and comprehensive exams are fastly approaching. I expect to pass without having to defend but if I have to defend then that is fine as well.

Love life isn’t present and I’m afraid with how my thoughts are with dating currently it won’t be ever again. I wish I could say I’m jaded or scorned from dating but I’m not. I broke up with him. He wants me back. I am not interested. I have other people who are interested but once again, I’m not interested. Interested in them superficially sure but now that my drive to want to work toward building that special bond with someone has ceased, I can’t really give myself to anyone. I have dreamed so much of my life away on wanting to be a wife and mother. I reached a point where I don’t want it. Maybe a better term is I’m not trying to have it? Ah, I don’t feel anything in regards to it beside weird. No anger, no sadness, just feel weird and empty. 

BUT!

I’m cooling. I like being away from social media. It’s very, very nice. I am not sure if I’m gonna come back or just break until the summer is over. I shall see. I wish I had some great exciting news for everyone. I do plan to get another dog that’s a regular pet. Seriously thinking about Husky since most apartment don’t allow Chows. The real picker of the dog will be my dog Sadie. I really hate how people just go and get other dogs without involving their current dog in the selection process. Hopefully all goes well.

Oh wait. I forgot some really exciting news. I will be going to see Outkast VIP status. It really must have been meant for me to see them. I’m excited about that. I have a hotel booked that weekend so I’m just ready for a weekend of bad decisions. I’m really great at making bad decisions so I won’t have no regrets.

Sorry. I wish this post could have been more…something but I don’t have it in me. I felt compelled to post something since I’m lurking around on here again. 

Hope everyone is well. I’m something. I’m here.

Hey and Bye

I have done TERRIBLE this semester with keeping my blogs updated but this was tough semester. I’m going to go ahead and say I got all A’s but I kind of dropped the ball in one course at the end so that A may be a B in the end. I can’t be upset about it. It’s life. It could always be worse. For me, I feel like I have still done enough work to receive my A.

Now for the bye part. I’m taking a break from all social media for awhile. I know, I didn’t blog much. It isn’t you it’s me! But really I am taking some time to work on this bad quality of mine and I just want to step away from social media for a minute to assist with it.

 

I’m ready for a summer full of school work, job job (for A term), studying for my comprehensive exams, making awesome music playlist and downloading music,  play my clarinet, learn about myself, work on living right, exercising, playing video games, buying more systems for my collection, working on gaining weight and watching movies by my lonesome! I’m ready for all that summer has in store for me. I think I will be back before the end of the summer but for now I don’t want to set a date.

Balance (A long one)

So I have been feeling like making this post for a hot minute.

Ever since I have announced my plans to move to Hawai’i after graduation, the first thing I get asked is “Well what about (bf)”. I always smile because of course that would be someone natural response when we have been together almost 2 years now.

But before I get into the “what about us” thing I got to go back a little.

I never wanted to be in a relationship in graduate school or beforehand for that matter. I had a nice roster of nice young gentlemen that I was just hanging out with just to have something to do that summer before I took my year off from school to prepare for graduate school. Of course, love never tells you when it comes knocking. Real love came a-knocking for the first time in my life. I was thrilled, terrified and amused all at once. Here was something I wasn’t looking for and honestly felt I didn’t needed but I was going to embrace it for what it was.

I became fully invested in this thing called love. I started catering what I wanted and where I was going to go at certain points in my career to fit my love. I was catering to him as much as I cater to my family. Everyone is always first and then I may make a small guest appearance as an importance factor every now and then. I mean this is what I know. You care a lot for someone and you immediately become selfless to make them happy. 

Through lots of thought, I realize this was that one area that I was getting wrong. I have made so many changes in my life but this one thing still stung me. I couldn’t get over being this way. It isn’t right to be this way. It isn’t healthy to be this way.ALWAYS doing for others 24/7 just isn’t healthy. 

So I stopped.

Of course there is more to this. I didn’t just say hey *explicit* everyone. I’m going off to Hawai’i to do me and etc etc. That wasn’t it. I actually sat down and made a list. I ponder on things. I listed why did I want to stay in Georgia so bad and why did I always want to stay only Georgia. Outside of loving the south in general, despite the heavy amount of racism that is so lovely to deal with, every other reason I had was because of someone else. I was like well my friends would miss me and my family and the bf and the list continued. I had 1 thing on that list that was for me and nothing else. Once I realize that I was like just amazed. It was amazing seeing that there was this constant theme in my life that I lived for me. Seeing the proof right there made we want to change things.

At first, I thought well but I’m in this relationship and we talk about the future sooo much and getting married. So of course, I did some heavy thinking on that. I took my questions to him and just got blunt with. Okay, do you really want this? Am I really the one for you or its just the first gf over the top love thing you got going for yourself? Are your parents really going to be okay with you not marrying a Nigerian girl? I asked a few others but that is where I was going with it. This wasn’t a give me a ring right now kind of conversation. It was more of a I value both of our times and I don’t want things to end ugly. So I got some answers. His parents aren’t interested in him doing anything like that until he finish school. When does he finish school? Well if you count the additional PT school he still has to attend, and if he gets in fall 2015, we talking about finishing by the time I’m 30. He also expected me to go work when I graduated wherever he was in school at. Of course we wouldn’t be staying with each other and of course there was going to be no talk of marriage or anything as his parent shut that out. So I would have to wait until I’m 30 to even see IF they would be okay with that. Not to mention, the distance has halted the growth of our relationship. We have been stuck in this weird limbo. It’s nothing bad or anything like that. It’s just we can’t grow and continue to move together with the distance. I wouldn’t say it’s impossible. Every relationship is different BUT I would strongly advise not being in a relationship in graduate school if you are in demanding programs. It’s hard to foster that growth and commitments to the relationship. Even with our laid back, send a text to check in a few times a day relationship suffered from this. We also started to get frustrated and argue with one another when trying to fit our destinies together. Someone was going to have to go beyond compromising and that person was me. The only problem I had with that is that I felt it just wasn’t enough to make me want to compromise. I kept wondering, well is the love I have enough? Well turns out it wasn’t.

So then I arrived where I am now. I went over the progression of our friendship to relationship. It wasn’t suppose to happen but it did. We fell really hard in love. Growth has halted because we don’t have time to invest in the relationship enough to make it grow. We enjoy being with each other but when talking about the future we get frustrated. Frustrated because we know we are heading in two different directions with what we want at that point in our lives. So what is there to do now?

Actually nothing. That’s what we decided to do. We are enjoying each other now. He knows I’m moving in two years and what that means for us. We both are not pressed to look for someone right now. I feel like he should but he is keeping in mind that he is applying in multiple states for PT school and I of course am trying to move to an island. Nobody is getting in the way of that! I can tell you that I feel relieved! It’s no longer a worry in my mind of where he goes and what he is doing. It’s no worry about the whole marriage talks with the family. They have already lighten up on it. I’m just so happy to be focused on myself. I am also happy to really focus on what I really want in a partner for marriage. As someone told me, every good guy isn’t the guy you are suppose to marry. This is really true. If you ignore the Hawai’i thing, I’m not so sure if he would be the guy I want to marry anymore. At first, yes because i loved him soo deeply and strongly and I thought why yes this means he is the one! Just because of the conversation I have had with younger married couples and the things I’m seeing that I should be looking for in a potential partner as really warped my view points now. I forget that my parents were divorce and didn’t have the healthiest marriage so I really had no clue what I should be looking for in a spouse. I actually never really pondered on it. I just figure well they got to be your friend first and if that works out and you don’t argue too much then you are good to go. It’s way more to just “we go together”. So much more to that.

So yeah, this ended up being longer than it was suppose to be. I had a lot swimming in my head that I needed to let out.

Basically the point of it all, just know when making plans for the future: Know when to sacrifice, know when to not to, and know when you have a reason to (This goes to all aspects in your life). Also remember, every good guy/good girl you meet/long term date does not mean you have to/should/will marry them. You can be in a great relationship but that doesn’t mean you should be married. That’s pretty much what I just learned at 24. 

Hair no more!

I cut my hair 😦 I had to do it. It was damage and it wouldn’t grow anymore due to it. My stylist said we should just cut it now to prepare you for when you move in 2 yrs. I’m still getting use to it but I can’t wait for it to grow back! I feel weird with no hair touching my shoulders but I did try to turn it into a situation of reaching a new point in my life. Cutting out that last bit of old and moving on to new things. New experiences. One thing about me is that I always had faith (though not as strong at times) but I didn’t carry myself as if I did. I always boxed myself in and stayed within these made up lines I created for myself.

Don’t do this, don’t go here, that probably won’t work, this is the best and safest thing to do, don’t do too much, don’t do what you want…

I am breaking free of that. I’m doing what I want. Not no one else. It doesn’t mean I don’t love others because I do! It took me a long time to realize that caring for yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care for others. I want so hard to not be a selfish person that I totally disregard things that I want all the time. That isn’t the way to be.

Moving to Hawaii is about me. No one else. I refuse to even let it be about anybody else. So I tried to connect my new hair cut with that and I’m slowly moving into it. 

I’m Back & Some Changes

Well I stopped blogging for awhile because I was down in the dumps. Slipped into a deep depression and wasn’t doing much of anything I liked. But let’s not dwell on the past!

There have been some recent development in my goals!

I have decided to work in Hawai’i when I graduate! I plan to get a job there and move there right after I graduate from the school psychology program! I am so excited about this opportunity. There is a need for school psychologists there and even though the cost of living high, I still will be able to live comfortable with my salary. A plan I call Operation Hawai’i has been devised already! I have put everything into writting as far as traveling plans and pre move plans. Got a nice budget written up as well. I plan to save $5,000 for the move even though I don’t need that much. I’m so excited! I have already connected with some School Psychologist that work in Hawai’i already and I actually have a phone chat scheduled for a psychologist there on this weekend. Also working on learning Hawaiian! I think it’s important we have linguistic diversity among school psychologist. I probably will never run into someone from my own culture to where my other language would become useful so learning another needed language that could help me reach my clients better would be just fine with me. I want to work in Oahu but I will take other assignments as well. I’m so excited, here’s to new life and adventure Summer/Fall 2016.