I wonder can I denounce labels given to me growing up? I was always given these labels for how I act. You have anxiety issues, depression, ocd, you’re awkward..you have no social skills. I denounced the depression thing so long ago I forgot I had that “issue” at one point. Not saying these disorders/diagnoses don’t mean anything. They do. People have these issues and it really effects their life. I just hate how I feel like I’m stuck with them. I can improve but that’s always going to be hanging over my head. So I’m just going to denounce it. I will deal with anything that comes my way but a lot of those disorders were a product of my home environment and things that happened to me (which is the reasoning for many others suffering as well). Depression hasn’t been an issue in years due to using alternative methods to deal with it. I honestly just changed the way I thought about things. Of course I get down sometimes but it’s nothing out of the norm. Stuff happens and you feel down. I bounce back. Before, I wouldn’t because I was not capable of doing so at the time. I went and worked on some things with myself and that has greatly change how I deal with so many things in my life. I will admit, I get anxious from time to time but I feel it’s realistic stuff. Like a bunch of things due or feel a little anxious when I think a little too much while under the influence. I don’t think it is out of the norm like it use to be when I was a kid. OCD I have always felt okay with that label but I am doing so much better than when I was as a kid. I think ever since I had stop living with my mom, it has gotten way better. There are still things that bothered me that caused the ocd behavior, like death, but I don’t feel connected to the label anymore. I will admit I’m a tad bit awkward but my social skills are much better. I try hard and I think it works well. Getting rid of that bad attitude of mine and meanness has helped me greatly. I won’t disregard that I was a kid who started from the bottom socially but I can’t let that hinder me.
I have a love/hate relationship with mental health. I got into this field thinking it was more love than hate but I think it is really hate. Mental health tells you all the things wrong with you and gives you no way out. They just say, hey this is your life. Is it? Have we really learned all there is to know about mental health and our minds? No, we haven’t. I wish we focused on learning about our minds but I think society is scared of that. To know we owe everything about ourselves to this organ in our head is probably a scary thought. It’s very “on the outside looking in” when you think about it. I have always been interested in neuroscience and how powerful the brain is. I always operated under the idea so once I stopped trying to follow the various professionals and my family way, I started to improve. I am not knocking the use of mental health professionals or the field at all. I’m just saying use more than one method because it easy to get stuck. Also, it’s hard battling your mind. Really hard. Whether you have mental health issues or not, I think anyone can agree to that. Once anything negative gets in there it’s a hard battle because it really is just you and your thoughts when you remove everything else.
So I’m going to denounce these labels from my life. Moving on forward. I feel confident and saying I’m finally okay. I know that doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel sad or nervous again in my life. Doesn’t mean some things won’t bother me still (I think everyone has a little ocd characteristics apart of them). What’s great about this is that I know that whatever I feel is at the typical level, when compared with the greater population. I’m not including these labels in my personal about me section in life because it has no place in my life now.
disclaimer: Please do not try this if you have mental health issues, without serious thought. I have spent years working on these problems, not on medication nor in need of a therapist anymore. It was not always like this. I had to improve to this point. If you are not at this point then that is OKAY but I wouldn’t make any drastic changes in your current treatment. I am at the point of no longer being in need of treatment from professionals or medication so I use alternative methods solely to maintain my healthy mental state. Consult with a professional before making changes to your own mental health care plan. NEVER stop medication without consulting a professional first. Lastly, relational happiness can make anyone feel terrible. Don’t read this and feel discourage on your journey to healthy mental health by basing your progress with mine. Everyone runs their own races.
I have been so happy. I’m feeling super good. Ever since I made declaration to rediscovered the hidden me my spirits have been uplifted. I feel like I am even more anxious. Now that I have recentered my goals and refocused. I tend to think about failure a lot. I have also been thinking about death more frequently lately as well. Something I have always been afraid of. With being open with my goals and interests, I’m also being open with the negative. What scares me. What needs to be worked on as far as habits goes. It’s a trying time for me. Not like I’m sad but it does take strength to get through so many emotions head on. I feel very strong though. Very.
Sometimes, I get stuck thinking about the mistakes that I have made in dating so far. I know I’m young but when I think about it too much, I get apprehensive about making them again or become weary of my current decisions. I think as people age, we have a stronger desire to not fuck up. I ant something deep one day and I realize the time it takes to build that but it scares me because of all the time it takes to create that just adds more time that you can potentially fuck up. It’s worth it though.I’m sure of it. That’s at least what I keep telling myself.
Alright, so I have been talking of career changes and such so I’m ready to discuss it further. I will not be a school psychologist forever. Specifically, I give myself four years after I graduate in 2016 (until I’m 30). I debated over whether I will really explain why but I decided against going into details. It is a wonderful field. I will always advocate for more school psychs and keep up with the current “goings” of the field. I could even see myself working part time as one (in another setting outside of a school) in the future. Growing up, I have always been a woman of STEM. For numerous reasons along the way, I let my goals and ambitions for working in the field of STEM fall to the side. I killed my ambition. I molded it down to fit into another image that I NEVER had of myself. I made myself so small when I thought of myself as a giant before. Not acceptable. NEVER do this. Believe in yourself as hard as you can or you will find yourself with many regrets and wasted time later on. Be careful what you choose for your life. This goes for relationships, career…honestly every component in your life. I thought school psychology would be a wonderful field as an alternative to my old dreams because I wanted to help children with the same mental problems I had growing up. I figure the personal connection to the field would be enough to change it from alternative to only. I have been spending a whole year trying to find passion, love and interest in this field outside of just loving children with problems but I can’t. I feel underwhelmed. As long as you are breathing, never continue to be in situations that cause the feeling of constant dissatisfaction or boredom. Fill your life with passion. I was nervous about discussing this with anyone outside of a close friend of mine. Worried about reactions to what I had to say. I worried about the idea of “What if I fail after making this declaration of my goals and dreams?”. Then I realized that I rather go down with fire and passion then gasping my last breath with discomfort from living a life of not going after my desires. Think about that? Are you doing something that you would be at peace with one your dying bed? Would you be able to pass away thinking “Wow, I lived my life doing what I wanted?”. If you are saying yes, then you are on the money. If not, evaluate. You may wonder why you do not have your life figured out right now. I totally understand this. I’m 24 years old and if you would have told me just a year ago that my life would be where it is now, then I would have had a wonderful laugh. 2 years ago and I may have laughed myself into tears.The beauty of getting up everyday is that you have the opportunity to try different things until you figure out the components you need in your own life and what you don’t need. Live your life as an experiment. Embrace trials and failures. Don’t worry about that pressing “timeline” of life either. I thought I would be spending my years after graduate school getting a doctorate or additional masters in another mundane (for me) but appropriate related field and instead, I’m going to be working full time while studying towards a degree in Electrical Engineering. You think you can hide your passion? Ignore what gets you going? I spent 4 years trying to erase my love of STEM and here I am. Organic passion never stops burning. TL;DR Be fearless. Be passionate. Be courageous. GO BIG. Be Driven.
So when I made my first post of my return, I wasn’t in the best spirits. That’s okay right? I was going to delete it because it was so much negativity but I am going to keep it as a reminder that I can’t be peppy all the time. I think I’m too crucial on myself to ALWAYS be happy due to struggling with depression growing up. I don’t allow myself that bad moments to just be in a bad mood. I’m going to be making a series of post that will be queue to expect to see my presence more. =) Now let’s do a REAL update. 1. I’m natural now. I wish I was one of those hair cray natural girls but I am not. I was about time I did this for many reasons. Of course, if you have been following, I chopped my hair off due to it being damaged from when I got sick some time ago. I always said I would stop relaxers eventually because it saves money, I don’t have the time to spend to do it and I would never do anything like that once I start having children (you know chemicals in hair and pregnancy is a no no). Well I am not expecting but I do like to save money and time. So here I am. Just being me. I don’t think it is anything wrong with relaxers, well I can’t speak on a “real” relaxer since I never had a regular strength one so I won’t say those are good for your hair because I don’t have experience. I can say that texturizers and mild relaxers were great for my hair and the only thing that changed my hair was PRESCRIBED DRUGS and MEDICAL TEST that were suppose to help me. A post with pictures and more comments on natural hair shall come soon. 2. Career change…maybe. Well, it has come to my attention that I am bored. BORED. BOOORREEED. School psychology is a wonderful field. I like it but I don’t love it like I thought I did for many reasons. It’s frustrating being in the field as a minority. I now see what others who have dropped out the program or who are not practicing as a professional are talking about. Also, I think I’m too outspoken to be a school psychologist. I think school psychologist are outspoken in general but I very passionate to the point of me seeing myself really losing it one day with someone. Nothing physical or anything but I could see an argument or two coming my way. When you work in the public education system, they want you to be a passive, passionate professional. I really thought that was me but it isn’t. I’m seeing that more and more as I get frustrated with a few school systems around here. Don’t worry though! I am NOT dropping out of the program. I shall graduate and work as a school psychologist. I just won’t stay one forever or work full time forever as one. More on this will come with later post 3. I now have not one but two dogs. THAT has been a lovely adventure. I am now an official Alpha leader of a pack and it is exhausting only when you can’t go to the bathroom without getting checked on (My sister said prepare for motherhood because that’s motherhood). I like the sense of responsibility, the companionship and the laughs because border collie mixes are just as quirky as a full blooded BC. 4. One of my biggest announcements. I WILL BE GOING TO SEE OUTKAST, VIP, ON SEPTEMBER 27TH. My music interests span, deep across all genres but as a Ga native, Outkast is going to be a favorite. I just have a special place in my heart for southern rap duos and ‘Kast was a heavy part of my upbringing. I got a hotel for Friday and Saturday. I’m going LIVE for this performance. No regrets. This is self love. 5. Another school related announcements. It times for Comps preparation. They will be this October or November. The time hasn’t been announcement yet but I have all the study materials. I plan to pass without having to defend but will pass if I have to defend an answer anyway. Masters will be acquired by the end of December. Then practicum placements, research topic approval and internship interviews. 6. Love life interesting…changing….evolving. Can’t comment and no post on this matter will be posted anytime soon.
So I have slowly been making my way to social media again but I can’t say I’m running towards it. I started making appearances on FB and such. I scroll on Tumblr. Started liking a few post. Started scrolling on instagram and what not.
Updates in my life so far: School is school. Challenging but not challenging at the same time. All A’s and comprehensive exams are fastly approaching. I expect to pass without having to defend but if I have to defend then that is fine as well.
Love life isn’t present and I’m afraid with how my thoughts are with dating currently it won’t be ever again. I wish I could say I’m jaded or scorned from dating but I’m not. I broke up with him. He wants me back. I am not interested. I have other people who are interested but once again, I’m not interested. Interested in them superficially sure but now that my drive to want to work toward building that special bond with someone has ceased, I can’t really give myself to anyone. I have dreamed so much of my life away on wanting to be a wife and mother. I reached a point where I don’t want it. Maybe a better term is I’m not trying to have it? Ah, I don’t feel anything in regards to it beside weird. No anger, no sadness, just feel weird and empty.
I’m cooling. I like being away from social media. It’s very, very nice. I am not sure if I’m gonna come back or just break until the summer is over. I shall see. I wish I had some great exciting news for everyone. I do plan to get another dog that’s a regular pet. Seriously thinking about Husky since most apartment don’t allow Chows. The real picker of the dog will be my dog Sadie. I really hate how people just go and get other dogs without involving their current dog in the selection process. Hopefully all goes well.
Oh wait. I forgot some really exciting news. I will be going to see Outkast VIP status. It really must have been meant for me to see them. I’m excited about that. I have a hotel booked that weekend so I’m just ready for a weekend of bad decisions. I’m really great at making bad decisions so I won’t have no regrets.
Sorry. I wish this post could have been more…something but I don’t have it in me. I felt compelled to post something since I’m lurking around on here again.
Hope everyone is well. I’m something. I’m here.
I have done TERRIBLE this semester with keeping my blogs updated but this was tough semester. I’m going to go ahead and say I got all A’s but I kind of dropped the ball in one course at the end so that A may be a B in the end. I can’t be upset about it. It’s life. It could always be worse. For me, I feel like I have still done enough work to receive my A.
Now for the bye part. I’m taking a break from all social media for awhile. I know, I didn’t blog much. It isn’t you it’s me! But really I am taking some time to work on this bad quality of mine and I just want to step away from social media for a minute to assist with it.
I’m ready for a summer full of school work, job job (for A term), studying for my comprehensive exams, making awesome music playlist
and downloading music, play my clarinet, learn about myself, work on living right, exercising, playing video games, buying more systems for my collection, working on gaining weight and watching movies by my lonesome! I’m ready for all that summer has in store for me. I think I will be back before the end of the summer but for now I don’t want to set a date.